"Let GOD!?!?! Melissa, have you really lost your mind now?" - Childhood friends of mine may be thinking.....
I have struggled with my relationship with God and my beliefs much of my life. Brought up Catholic I attended church into my tweens, gathered my confirmation name of Rose <3 Making me Melissa Mae Rose (something I always loved). It wasn't that I didn't believe in eternal love and a greater power working around and through us....I didn't resonate with all of the beliefs or ...side beliefs and practices that came out of religion. I didn't believe in the behavior of the followers I knew.
A few months ago my father returned to me a bible my Aunt had given me years ago that I have left abandoned on an old bookshelf of my childhood home, a "modern" bible. The first thing that stuck out was Genesis - the making of the world and of humans, we humans being made in God's image with the task of tending to the earth and all it's creatures and plants. And how many of us live by this? Knowing God is inside of us and seeing truly how we have (or have not) neglected our responsibility to the natural world. I cried for days because this here is where my heart broke all those years ago. People acting out in violence and blind greed in the name of God. BLEHHHHGH anyway.... that's where my mind around God began to shift again. I chose to be open to the messages of Spirit around me and was shown the truth and support of the universe. Simply because "people" don't always live by God and the earth doesn't mean that I cannot nor that I need to fear a word "God" and what it means to me.
Much of the work that I do with myself and others is trusting in the divine. I listen to what my body, their bodies, and the energy around us is saying. It's scary because I can be mistaken. We always take a risk when following our hearts or trying something new...untethered to structure or control. I offered a Soul Session last week that was entirely held by the divine...we both client and space holder (questioning believers on a new path) felt the presence of something more around us.
"Surrender" has been my word...intention ...since March 2017 when I sat around a fire on top of a mountain on my of the first day of my yoga training. I tossed something into the fire and asked to surrender. To me this means letting go of what I've thought I've known all these years, letting go of being right or wrong or vindicated. Letting go of my own limitations. That was two years ago and well I'm still doing it! It is a practice, a lesson every day.
This weekend my father and I had a long talk about God over a joint under the stars on the porch (this is usually how our conversations flow...it's quite lovely and special). He's glad I love God again. I'm glad I can speak about my work without feeling like a totally loonybin. win-win!!
My lesson lately has been letting go of taking offense to the way God is working through others when they experience me. I know it is true that we are mirrors for the others in our lives and I find it difficult to feel as though I'm being honorable and true to myself and yet meet such demons in others, to endure questions of my character and intentions repeatedly and still maintain peace and composure. I'm not always successful though much of my learning and unlearning has afforded me the ability to take my time and communicate with strength AND compassion. This is when I am acting from Faith not Fear.
And there are always opportunities to test this. After my post yesterday and Instagramming about giving less of a shit I got a phone call that pushed me to my limits. I no longer want to surround myself with others who are not willing to review their feelings and experience of the world in a personal manner, who attack instead of reflect, who act in fear instead of faith. I know this is an ebb and flow, always changing, I also know that it is okay to let go of things that are not currently serving you or showing that they are willing to acknowledge how their thoughts and behaviors are harmful. I used to hold on a lot to people I knew loved me but didn't know how to show it. Now I want it shown or I want it gone. It is not okay for others to repeatedly take out their demons on your light.
I had a good friend bring light to my situation "THIS PERSON DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR FRIENDSHIP!" I don't usually like to speak in ways of *deserving* but in this instance I heard the love and passion in her voice. Please, it said, there are people who love you and are making efforts each day to be with you and with themselves, this isn't one of them...please stop hurting yourself for those who hurt you, stand up for yourself beautiful self.....I'm paraphrasing but the message was clear. And I know that although hours earlier I was on my knees begging God to help me understand where I am miss-stepping...I know now that my challenge has changed....continue to learn to surrender to life, yes, and remember to love and own who you are and honor who you are becoming.
I'm working on it.....
Lots of love