I didn't go to the Middlebury Biz Meet up this morning. It would've been a good networking event. I tell myself there's time for networking, there's time for events. But this morning I needed to cry. To put things in order around the house. To be with my body. To ask myself what it is I want.
I have been doing my best to be strong, to be kind, to be proactive and confident. And while I am all of those things I am also sad and scared. All pleasantries aside I AM losing my job, with no back-up or ability to keep my current insurance clients until I finished the process and paperwork with Cigna. I feel overwhelmed and sad about the way the transition has been turning out on an interpersonal level. Each day feels like another blow and I'm still trying to stay afloat from all of my experiences earlier this month. I do not want this blog to turn into something where I complain all the time. That's not what I'm trying to do. I feel like sometimes people view me as so strong that they don't think of me as hurting or struggling or scared. Sometimes I try to think that way myself so that it doesn't feel like everything is falling apart. But the truth is it is, it IS falling apart. And that is okay. I am doing what I can to save the foundations and uphold what is important to me, prepare for this ending and begin to rebuild at the end of the month. It feels hard and some days I just want to give up. That isn't an option, not for my bank account and not for me. I wouldn't be me if I gave up, if I didn't keep playing for something more, I believe in much and want to share it.....
I have my meeting with a potential new space today. I DO feel hopeful and connected to the space. I also feel so afraid and intimidated by what lies ahead of me. I fear I'm slacking on my duties as a friend, maid of honor, wife...lost in trying to stay afloat and grounded at the same time.
As always I'm grateful for your love, so grateful for my friends and family, so grateful for my practice.
And music.....been blasting Nahko's Dark As Night album for days now. <3