The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Days
By the pause of the countdown I didn't mean to pause my posting. I know it's been a number of days since I last checked in. Honestly, it's been a really rough couple of days.
I did not expect to bring mental health into this blog...or at least idk...not like this. so soon. but now is a good a time as any. The reason I went into the wellness field is to learn more about the things that helped save my life again and again. Communication & connection to others, physical touch, love, grounding, play. These are all techniques and lessons I've learned and explored along the way as antidotes and salves to my own evolving ptsd, anxiety, depressive, and euphoric states. Below is a post from my IG page reviewing where I've been the past week. I really want to share this because THIS is why I want to open a community storefront. yes it will be a fun place to find crystals and cute trinkets for friends and alters but more it will be a place for your soul and spirit to know you a safe and loved in whatever form you're in when you walk through the door. The meaning of this business for me is to offer a place for each person to learn and experience what is it like to be present and alive and authentically them even in the rawest moments. And I'm honored to learn and share stories along the way. <3
"Today feels like light and love. Emergence. I spent the past 5 days following my mental episode in darkness. I thought my light had all but
extinguished.... it almost did. I almost did. But I didn't. For the past 5 days I've cancelled most of my plans, including work. Stared blankly at this wall or that one. I felt the pressure of the floor against my body, my face. Noticed the way the wood feels cold for a while. I'm not great at reaching out. In fact I'm terrible at it. Part of my trauma is feeling trapped and alone and afraid. Not wanting to be a bother, not wanting to be seen as dramatic. Not wanting to be misunderstood. I tried my best this time to tell my story and to reach out how and when I could. Literally taking hours one minute at a time. I'd like to honor a few things that brought me back....however briefly to remembering the light.... -a video from a friend of her singing and playing one of my favorite songs on the ukulele.
-a FB message that said "I believe in you" -a threat to join me as a ghost and put poop on people's pillows oh wait is that helpful? Yes yes it was. - laughter - kittens
- sunshine - the way a red ball looks gliding over patches of snow and grass - check in phone calls and texts from friends and very importantly my therapist! - MY THERAPIST - reorganizing our entire home! (Whoops so pretty tho!) -taking a bath - long hugs and physical contact - allowing myself and my feelings to exist as valid
Most of this could only happen because other people took a stand for my mental health. I cannot stress my gratitude or the importance of this enough. Putting aside your own time, life, needs, and reactions to be there for another is a brave and difficult thing to do. Right along side with raising your shaky tired scared hand and saying "I need help". These two things together save lives. I am grateful to be learning every day and to be surrounded by others who are open to learning and loving and growing together."
I rescheduled a number of important meetings that will help me get clear on where this business project is heading. I don't want to wait or lose steam or miss out on opportunities but the truth is none of that matters if I'm missing out on my meaning of life, of my light. I've been taking days to fill my own cup and will take a few more. Being gentle and compassionate with myself. This isn't always easy. And this is much easier to write being here on the other side of the *dark night*. I am trying and doing my best every day.
Back with you all soon enough!
Love always,
MMB